There are moments of reflection that are deep and personal and oddly enough, quickly forgotten. The transition that I've been blessed with from being a graduate student and teacher to being a stay at home mom has been challenging. Most of the challenges were to be expected, but currently I'm in one that I never planned on. I'm going on my second year with my husband overseas and me with four kids at home. The opportunities for reflection are few when listening to the cacophony of children 4 yrs, 2 yrs and 5 months. And please lets not forget the 14 yr old who plays the trumpet, the baritone, the french horn, the vacuum hose and the drumsticks down the hall, on the microwave, the banisters and the backs of every chair. I took those drumsticks away from her but now she just uses anything she can pick up. Regardless, I still occasionally have wonderful thoughts and moments of new insight and I remember, I am still here. You know, the me who grew up spending so much time being my own best friend and pondering the grand and intricate attributes of the universe.
I wrote once about how I was searching for someone who could share my sacred moments. Those were the moments, when with my daughter, she would say something hysterically funny, or ask me something that required a much deeper level of honesty and courage to answer. I wrote that, not long before David and I started dating. We only dated for a month before we were engaged. We had known each other for about 8 months, but I was too busy trying to set him up with other people to realize that he was just right for me. He fit seamlessly into our lives from May 17, 2005 forward. It's like he's always been here--until now. It is so hard to center myself without him, without a few quiet moments to reflect and laugh with him. We were so excited when we were finally able to video chat--but there is no quiet time to do that and it is impossible to have some of those conversations with 4 kids climbing over you or sulking because you had to sternly get them out of the picture for a moment.
David wasn't always the way I found my center--before him it was nearly always the Lord. I'm afraid I've been neglectful of him in the last five years. I've rarely taken time to talk to him like I used to. When I complained about not finding someone to share my life with, my friend Kelly told me that I shouldn't worry and don't rush, because right now I could study and pray and reflect and once the kids came that would be something that only happened rarely. I was skeptical, but being here alone, I've found she's right. So, I've tried and failed in various ways this year to seek out a place where I can think, remember me--reflect on new miracles that happen in my new challenging life of children. I am trying again. I'm trying to create a place where I can remember that I am still here, and where I can still be Mama, reflecting on my children and where I can be still and remember what the Lord's hand looks like when he touches my life. I hope this is the place.