I'm so tired right now I can barely think. If you find a typo, please forgive me. But it is my goal to write here everyday and reflect for a moment.
Today I realized what I could not do. I could not continue to take care of someone elses' kids for a few days during the next couple of weeks. The thought of canceling on a commitment made me cringe. The thought of the condition of my house and my own inability to plan and organize right now made me cringe more.
I haven't had my thyroid medication for over two weeks and nothing to supplement it. I'm doing this in order to prepare for a radioactive iodine scan. Typically, missing my medication has no affect on my mood. But when I've gone without it for a prolonged period of time I become very tired. I start to let things slide, things like laundry and clutter. I become so tired that even cooking when I'm hungry becomes an ever-fluctuating scale of "how hungry am I really" and "I'm too hungry to feel good enough to go do something about it." Now that I've started the low-iodine diet, I'm really feeling it even more. Everything takes time to prepare--the meat's frozen, the beans are dry and need to soak overnight, the veggies need chopped--and I'm just too tired. Maybe I'll sleep first. Well, anyone can see where that kind of thinking takes you. You wake up three hours later more hungry and more weak than before. Lastly, I feel bad for feeling like I feel this bad. Follow that? I know that other people have it much worse, and I'm not in pain, so I would just like to kick myself. Now this is when being seriously hypothyroid affects my mood. So, I decided I couldn't care for anybody's children but my own right now. I can barely do that. Ellen's spent the last two days wearing her footy pajamas with baths in between.
I shared this with my husband and he said he was going to make me a plaque--something about not taking on more than you can handle. Somehow that made me very depressed--shouldn't we constantly be striving to just gain that one more inch everyday? He read to me from the Doctrine and Covenants--(a book of scripture we both love) and told me how Joseph was counseled to not run faster than he was able. I'm not sure that helped--I know I'm not running as fast as him. (See some flawed thinking here??? ;)
As I started to backtrack, later in the day, and think that I might be able to pull up out of this by next Monday (I'll still be off my medication and nothing will have changed) and perhaps I could still take care of these boys--(yes the run-on is how my mind sounds to me) when my visiting teacher called to say she was on her way. She came and began sharing President Uchtdorf's talk Of Things That Matter Most. He talked of turbulance--and how when going through adverse conditions, slowing down is sometimes the best action. Slowing down sounds nice--but where? I have a basketball game for Sam at 7PM--and isn't that one of the things that matters most? Or how about getting my little one's out of the house at least once today.
However, what I began to see was that he was right. While she talked, I decided not to go the game, but to take Samantha a small dinner and come back home. Gwen sat with the little ones. I came home and listened to one of our prophets talk about the things that matter at length. I was sure I had chosen the right thing to stay home and rest--rest so that I can be kind.
If there's one thing that will make me cranky, it's not enough sleep. So, I need more sleep right now. Is that such a bad thing? What would you do if a doctor told you to stay home and rest, enjoy your kids, and let your husband pay all the bills. Well, since I'm new to the stay at home mom thing--I can see it from that perspective pretty easily, if I slow down and think about it. I'm on a vacation for the next month and all I have to do is love my family.
That is what matters most. Thanks David, Gwen and President Uchtdorf. I needed all those yellow lights because my brain has been going a little faster than I had the ability to control. Thanks Tasheana for being understanding concerning the boys.
I love my life and I'm going cross-eyed now. G'night. :)
I had another thought and a reference. The following is a quote from the top of the page of Elder Uchtdorf's talk, which can be found at www.lds.com under the Menu tab, under the Study category in General Conference.
ReplyDelete"If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most."
When looking at this I thought to make it more personal by changing it from talking to you, to talking about me.
My life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for me to feel like rejoicing. Perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.
This description is a succinct description of what I have been feeling for several months. Yet another confirmation that it is time to refocus.
The sound of hope in your tone as you have written rings familiar. Whether you are acting on the counsel of man, an apostle of Jesus Christ or any other influence for good; it is your own conviction of these principles that makes a difference with what you are able to accomplish. Even if it is rest.
ReplyDeleteIt is my experience that a break from the routine actually helps one to appreciate what good comes of the "daily grind." I am too often reminded that I have been in the Army long enough to know how things work. I just struggle with tomorrow when I don't know what is going to happen. When I do a task that is new to me, I struggle with comprehending it. I am a man of habits.
I realize now that I am inclined to enjoy running. What's more is I have embraced it. I made a goal to improve on my PT. Being physically fit comes naturally, but my disadvantages are because of my upper body strength.
I said that I can't do as many situps as others' because I am top heavy. It was an excuse- I have done situps with the best in my youth. I changed my attitude and said I will try harder. I didn't have to try much harder to get unexpected results.
My goal was situps- but since I was in the right place with the right attitude, I mounted the treadmill to learn that I ran quite comfortably at just a little faster pace. So I challenged myself to run a 6:30 mile. I used to do that as a youth, but not always. I had a standard mile pace of 7:10 from one year to the next. I realized my foot was not as bothered by the additional exercise as I was afraid of. Ice, massage and ibuprofen were in order occasionally. I have added a hot soaking tub to the method, and more recently discovered the power of a sauna while massaging my legs and foot. It is a lot of extra work to reach for a goal, and it provides a sense of satisfaction. I find this is one thing I have full control over, and am commended for doing.
If I made no more goals, or if I didn't reach for goals I have set in years past I would have quit. I Don't quit. In high school I never benched 300 pounds. I did it when I was in Texas, 8 years after I made my goal.
Now I wonder if I can pace myself for 2 minutes at a pace of 60 pushups a minute= 120. I believe I can. I don't think I want to try benching more than 300. I have strength, and endurance. I would rather have more endurance.
If I were accompanied at this time, I believe I would not necessarily go to the gym to train. Rolling with my kids would be my work for abs and upper body. I recognize that I have these goals- which old or new I have set and plan to achieve whatever the timetable makes of it.
I understand the not running faster than required! Whenever I have asked Greg to give me a blessing for school, I seem to hear that counsel over and over again! I always wonder what it is in my life that I am running and leaping for...
ReplyDeleteSometimes I don't even realize that I am going too fast.